Two years ago today I made the brave (and slightly foolish) decision to become a freelancer.
I say foolish because I went at it full time. Not as a side hustle. Not with a ‘real job’ on the side to help pay the bills. I went at it cold, with both feet.
I’d dreamt of freelancing and working for myself for years. My career up until the point of taking the plunge was a mishmash of great roles with supportive teams, alongside toxic environments and rubbish managers, and sadly, several redundancies. I used to feel so envious of people I’d spot on laptops in cafes, (I assumed) running their own business without someone micromanaging their every move. The freedom! The choice! And whilst the realities of freelancing are a little different than my fantasy, there’s still a huge amount of positives to this way of life.
But before we get to the positives, I think it's important to be honest. I've thought long and hard about writing this post. Coming clean, admitting failure and exposing my vulnerability is difficult. I'm afraid of showing weakness. It's taken me a while to own it. And this post is the first step.
So, why did I decide to choose to go freelance rather than take a permanent job with all the security that goes with it? In many ways I felt I had no choice. My previous employed role came to an abrupt end after 10 months in post. And I felt crushed.
Up until this point in my career I thought the only people who got fired were those who had broken the rules, had committed some gross misconduct or had not passed their probation. None of that applied to me. I went away for a two week holiday (all perfectly above board!) and came back to what I thought was a routine meeting to discuss upcoming projects, but was instead my MD 'letting me go'. The reason? The directors had changed their mind, the objectives of the role had altered, they no longer felt I had the experience they needed. I was asked to leave immediately. And I did, in floods of tears with the phrase 'what do I do now?’ rolling up and down the insides of my head, over and over. I didn’t know how to explain to my next employer, or anyone else for that matter, that I had been sacked. I was ashamed, broken and confused. And a little bit later, angry.
It had taken a huge leap of faith to take the role in the first place, leaving a position in London where I was successful and had been in post for five years. Communication roles in Brighton were few and far between, and the thought of facing the London commute again (I did it every day for two years in the midst of the dreaded Southern strikes) filled me with dread. I wanted to make my life in Brighton.
In short, I felt my options were limited and ultimately the shame and the 'not feeling good enough' held me back from applying for anything back in London. So I came to the conclusion that this was my opportunity to try and work for myself. Even if it was just for a few months whilst I decided what my next move was.
No one encourages you to quit a full time job to see if you can make it on your own. At least not my risk averse friends and family! So if I didn’t try to freelance at this point in my life, when would I ever get the chance again?
August 2019 I set about working on my business plan, creating a website, emailing all my contacts, improving my LinkedIn profile, and crafting my pitch. All whilst fighting my demons of self doubt, shame and crippling confidence issues. My advice to anyone taking the plunge into freelance life? Get yourself in a good place. These demons were not helpful when going it alone…
I am incredibly grateful for the support I got from my husband (paying most of the bills and buying the wine) and my good friends who rallied around to help boost me up. I've learnt an awful lot over the last two years. Surrounding yourself with good people is not just important, it's a necessity.
Whilst I thought I was experiencing a bit of a tough time, life was about to get more difficult.
We said goodbye to my darling grandmother who died in September. Then my Dad passed away suddenly in October . It was, and remains to be, devastating. My poor Mum lost her only parent and the love of her life within weeks of each other. We lost my Dad when he still had so much left to give.
My Dad freelanced for most of his life as an ITV news cameraman. He loved his job, and from the stories I've been told since his passing, he was bloody amazing at it.
When I told him I was going to try freelancing, he didn't mince his words. "Resilience is key. It's not always easy to keep going when the pay checks aren't rolling in, and you need to be disciplined and strong". Truthfully, those were the last words I needed to hear at the time. My sensitive soul craved encouragement and 'you can do it!' Not brutal honesty.
So the first issue with freelance life, is what happens when you can't work due to ill health or family bereavement? Well, you've just got to get on with it. And have some savings put aside. The upshot was that I was only a few months in to my freelance life and only had one very understanding client to keep happy. This meant I could work from Portugal where my parents lived, whilst supporting my grieving Mum for as long as was needed.
So I closed the year with sadness in my heart but higher hopes for 2020…little did I know that a global pandemic was on the horizon. January got off to a good start, which was lucky because from March all my work came to a dead halt for four months.
Having not been in business for a year and not yet filing a tax return, I was one of the 6 million people who fell through the cracks and got zero financial support in lockdown. Whilst my friends were loving life on furlough (at least for the first few months) I was in panic mode. My savings dwindled. I was, like many people, finding it hard to stay positive and feel motivated. It was at this point a lovely friend who is also a life coach stepped in to support me.
Not only did she help me deal with my grief, she gave me tools to draw on when my self confidence was holding me back. It was only through my sessions with her that I started to see how badly I spoke to myself, and how engrained 'not feeling good enough' was. All the tools and tips she gave me have been so helpful in getting me into a much more positive headspace. I've never really been one for all that positive affirmation stuff - repeating 'I'm a strong, confident woman' (Friends reference!) over and over again couldn't really turn my life around, could it?! The answer is no, but adjusting my mindset, putting more positive vibrations out there into the universe and generally being a nicer friend to myself, has made a difference.
Mid way through one of our last life coaching sessions, I ended up taking a phone call which was a result of a massive pitch. I had won it! Three years work in the pipeline on a fantastic client with loads of potential. From there, projects have come thick and fast. Some of this is down to good fortune, but others have been down to the hard work I've put in over the last two years. A big stakeholder comms project in the Middle East came via my website and SEO. And I'm about to start a five month gig with a past contact who I emailed two years ago when I first made the decision to go freelance. A Linkedin connection recommended me to a entrepreneur who I'm now working with and more projects have come my way from repeat clients. Finally, it's all starting to come together.
Going freelance is the best decision I've ever made, even though it has been tremendously hard at times. On reflection, if I hadn't experienced the lows I doubt the highs would feel so good. And no one gets anywhere without putting the work in, despite what social media would have you believe. I am of course still a work in progress, whilst simultaneously being a masterpiece ;) And the hard work continues, with so much work on I'm having to subcontract some of it out. I also have no idea when I'll next take a holiday - but luckily I live by the sea with plenty of places to explore on my weekends. I'm grateful for what I have. And as much as I still desire external validation from others now and again, I'm now in a much healthier place. I'm finally feeling good enough.
The one thing I have to admit though, and the one piece of advice I would give to anyone starting out on their own is this: resilience is key. It's not always easy to keep going when the pay checks aren't rolling in, and you need to be disciplined and strong.
Thanks, Dad.